it’s the gig of course, the job blogging. that’s what got me blogging at umx again, on political issues. i really had lost almost all urge to do so and took that long break. i wanted to do more vlogs, but forgot that this demands more time than i reasonably have…at least right now. even if i stop blogging. i seem to fill that time with other creative means. ah, well. i will get to video more, when i can. i generally don’t allow my creative urges turn into iron-tinged guilt trips because that’s a self defeating cycle. creative energy wants to be unbound and be given room to return or ebb at will. anyway, yeah. it’s not as if blogging for work reminded me of what i was missing or anything. it’s that i was getting frustrated that my voice was so edited. and rather than let this feeling interfere with work, I figured i’d remind myself i could vent, that i had a place to say it however i wanted to say it. no need to feel like my weekly paid gig was the place i had to get everything out. and even now, i wouldn’t say “blogging again.” i don’t even think it will last. either way, i’m keeping it open and easy.
i may travel this weekend to portland to shoot an event. and i may travel to portland next weekend to shoot another event. and i hope i land a few gigs i’m bidding on because my expenses go up a little this month. and i’m trying to save up for a couple things that are pretty important.
it occurred to me the other day all of a sudden that there are like three women i see regularly in my travels/errands that normally would be in the “asking out” zone. as in, i’ve seen them enough times and had friendly conversations and positive response that it wouldn’t feel outlandish to ask, and further, a healthy male in my position would probably do so. i haven’t…and i haven’t been angsty about it or anything. it’s not that i think i’d be rejected. it’s not that i care so much about that. after all, what i’m thinking of when i say this is not sexual. or even romantic. i guess i just miss the company i used to always have when i was married, living together and such. i’ve gone past the howling loneliness that pervaded the joint most of last winter. i’ve made it out the other side. i’m glad, i’m proud, that was the point, it needed to happen. and yet, i still don’t want to get romantic with anyone.
thing is, i know despite how i might try and word it, there’s just no asking a woman to hang out casually without the idea that there is an endgame. if i asked any one of them, they wouldn’t take it that way. and since that would be the case, i know that even if one said yes, i’d be disappointed. i’m not looking to start all that up. and yet there’s really no way to ask a woman to hang out and watch a film or play video games and not have it sound like a pick up line. it would be in the back of her mind. the anticipation, good or bad, it would color everything. who am i kidding. it would probably be in the back of my mind, too.
anyway, i don’t ask. and it’s okay. for now.
I hear you – all this makes me tired. I like hanging out with male friends, always have. And, especially when I’m single, it’s all so fraught – even if the pal I’m hanging out with really gets it that we’re just hanging out (rare, but certainly possible), the likelihood is the people around him will go into a frenzy of competition and assumptions.
I hate that we’re all so programmed with gender roles and internalized crap that we can’t even watch a movie. It’s absurd.
And I hate hate hate that if I ask a guy friend I’ve known for years to do something, at least half the time someone – him, his friends, some other woman – will assume it’s either a proposition or permission.
If I want to have sex with someone, I say so. If I don’t, I don’t – and if they ask me, I say no. If I say movie, I mean movie.
It’s especially frustrating for me because in the periods when I’m single – on purpose, like you said, and not wanting to be with anyone – I still want a social life. But men get nervous about what they think I might want or assume I want them when I don’t, women flip out if their husbands or lovers even talk to me, all this stuff of sexism and sex roles gets in the way of simple human friendliness. It’s tiresome, and a pet peeve of mine (obviously).
Honestly, a lot of the time I just avoid the issue, but I don’t like that either.
I have this utopian ideal that people could just hang out, and if attraction became an issue, deal with it honestly and without a lot of bullshit, but never assume that’s what hanging out is about.
Really, this worked when I was a teenager – this is what my whole posse did. But when we got into our adult lives, everyone got rigid and paranoid about roles and who can talk to who alone when under what circumstances and what that might MEAN. Feh. I think we had it right when we were kids.
what i get from this is that its too bad you and i are not in biking distance from one another!
I know, right? : )