Well, I didn’t hear it as advice, to tell you the truth! I just heard you saying that you enjoyed more than anything else hearing about Niqo’s conflict. Which I then agreed with, noting that that was, after all, the core of the story as it was laid down. And what you probably had to plod thru a bit more was me writing backstory to myself…and I think I added in there somewhere that if I were to write out another draft, I might use less backstory and simply let it inform my telling.

” I have a tendency to look for certain resonances or the emotional center of the story: the character’s yearning, complications, etc.I think it’s good to suggest this right at the start, even if you don’t spell it out completely.”

Of course, I agree…and I would also argue that I did suggest his narrative and conflict at the start…and many times!

…tiny, red, glass, figurines dropping one by one from the edge of the window sill inside his small dwelling—but he can’t hear them and even if he could he’d not turn and try to catch them, because none of it matters anymore.

and

He mostly nodded and smiled to so much of that…he had plans none of them knew about, even then.

and

It’s the rain, he thinks. The sky’s sorrow is filling my heart.

these are all indications of his central conflict that build on each other. (And there are more, too.) Which is why I’d guess a person feels interested to keep reading at all. What is going on? Why doesn’t anything matter now? What are his Other Plans?

That you did not really take not of these in your comments says to me that they worked on you in a less obtrusive way, but nonetheless, they surely worked on you, and when you got to the end where I began to rev into the heart of his story a bit more directly, your mind connected it with the beginning hints which would make for greater interest BUT you probably then felt a bit disappointed because I stepped on the rising action by ending it right there. That’s what I’m guessing. I could be wrong, of course…it’s your inner workings! But I can see from the story shape how that could happen.

It did slow down in the middle for exposition/backstory. I think that’s the part I reference when I talk about using less next edit.

I very much appreciate your engagement and thoughts, please. It’s not an issue at all. You know how to talk about story elements and I can always hear about and talk about story on that level. Whether or not I “follow advice” is really not so important, I agree. :) And sometimes I may not want to talk about the story as critique, because sometimes stories are not so fun to me to talk about that way, sometimes sticking a hand in chases away all the shimmering and fragile threads that breathe there. But I don’t mind your comments, even then, and when I feel like jumping in I will!

Thanks again, Ana.

I’m the same way, Nezua. It’s usually much better to trust your instincts rather than try to fit your vision to someone’s critique. I’m used to writers’ workshops where everyone offers suggestions for improvement. But ultimately, it’s the writer who’s the authority on his/her own work. I have a tendency to look for certain resonances or the emotional center of the story: the character’s yearning, complications, etc. I think it’s good to suggest this right at the start, even if you don’t spell it out completely. But I could be wrong. It could be that I’m longing for a “chick flick” while you have something entirely different in mind. I’ve been following you for a while, and I think you are brilliant at saying what’s in your heart to say. My only suggestion is to paint with that. My life got a bit hectic, but I look forward to reading you, whether you decide to follow my advice or not. At this stage — the rough draft — you need to be as free as possible to express yourself in your own way. So, that bit of advice was just a suggestion — just one possibility way for telling a story. There are many ways to tell stories, and I respect your choices, regardless. :-)

:) thank you, my friend…