Comments on: the last delivery

By: nezua

nezua — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:45:16 +0000

thanks, that means a lot. i work on my prose in stories like this to be carrying you through the moments fluidly rather than lots of head clutter that remind you you are thinking and reading. verbosity is good sometimes, in some formats, and then some (like this kind of “horror”) are best almost screenplayish, spare, quickly moving and in the current moment as much as possible. i would have gone with present tense…but i do that a lot, and this felt right this way. i appreciate your feedback.

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minding matters, i appreciate the “paranormal” comment. i think certain feelings and realities almost always present as paranormal, and so i do try to bring that experience to it…

By: KikiCatt

KikiCatt — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:11:50 +0000

Your descriptive of the 2nd elevator…I could see the harshness of the bluish light and smell the array of horrid odors. I could almost see the rising, falling breaths of what may have been a clutching, laying-in-wait spider. Or perhaps a portal. I’m still pondering….thinking.

You write well because I forget that I’m reading and don’t seem to realize that I’ve been transported into the cold realness of this story. Sights, sounds, smells and textures are the necessary ingredient to good storytelling, and you’ve got it mastered.

By: nezua

nezua — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:13:30 +0000

Thank you.

By: Mindingmatters

Mindingmatters — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:44:29 +0000

Amazingly suspenseful. Who is this little girl with the spider on her forehead? Who is this man who is about to get $1 million? Does his delivery of this child have to do with his $1 million payoff? Will the little girl be able to take control of her situation? Has a paranormal feel to the story. Anxious to read more, if not too violent. :) Excellent.

Mindingmatters