House of Nezua [Libro]

i should probably update you on the situation since last i wrote.
» read the rest of the chapter… «

my eldest son turned 21. this is…part of a much bigger story. maybe i’ll put a little here in a day or two.

on that angle—i’m moving some of my energy, some of my writing and drawing, back to the handmade. at least for a while. we all know everything changes. and then changes again.

blogging is good for a handful of things, and of course i’ll still do it. maybe i won’t even slow down on content. but it can’t be all i do anymore in the way of writing. i see a large, bound book with empty pages in my immediate future. creamy pages i can write on and draw in…fill with braindreams and mindmaps.

my writing and voice diaries have always been a way of keeping myself in touch with my own mind and heart. they are how i let myself know what i’m thinking and living. how i mark the time, the days; how i know to interpret them, how i learn from my life, how i keep history. it’s my GPS, how i connect things. it’s my own cavewall, it’s my confessional and memoir. my completely honest diaries are, in reality, how i stay sane.

writing online is always censored and shaped. it feels real, and it is real. and it also more a voice outward, and less of a meditative one meant only for my own heart and mind. it is a performance.

seeya at the next show.

if anyone downloaded that zipped album or any mp3s i had up, please redownload it. i have replaced those versions. i thought those had ID3 tags and such, but they didn’t these ones are properly filled out. if that matters to ya.

as part of my new leaf springtime borderline agenda i went to the doctor as i’ve said and got myself hooked up with some medicine. i didnt go to the chinese doctor as my friend kai suggested not because i dont think he is right, but because  it’s simply much easier going through this clinic for a few reasons. so its western medicine this time and at least this time and at least so far i have to say i’m so very happy that it seems to be working already and i almost feel normal, or like most people, who aren’t constantly trying to keep their stomach in and down at almost all times of day. especially after eating anything acidic, or getting stressed out. i can’t tell you how this makes me feel. its so liberating. i’ve even slept through a whole night, i think (maybe a couple?) without having to sit up. ah, the things we can take for granted. (well, we can take everything for granted! and do) it’s basically like hiccuping that never ever ended. its stress, its physical energy expended, its disruption of the esophagus and breathing process. its a constant thing that happens to your body and never leaves you alone. and sometimes it hurts too. i think i got used to that burn. but i never got used to the constant interruptions. now…i feel so much more…still. i’m not constantly spitting fire. its a beautiful thing. i’ts not fully resolved, but its only been a week. and my body is more at peace than it has been since 2003.

i also decided to lay down almost $400 at the lab and have various blood work done of the sort where you hope for negative results and i’m happy to say i got my money’s worth, though i’m sure glad they take payments. i guess that’s what some peace(s) of mind cost. never took most of these tests, but as the son of a woman who is director of public health and past infection control nurse, i felt i ought to for years. so, again, as part of my springtime draw a blooming line agenda, i ran the full gamut and bit the bullet and anyway its just good to know the deal for sure. so now i do.

in other news, i’ve replaced the tires on my bike. which means no more badass knobbies! i ‘m sad about this. i really enjoyed those knobbies and i’m not sure about this change. the bike guy was really happy. he earnestly was passing on his own experience, which is why he advised me to do this. that’s the third guy who talked to me about this, and the third who advised it. but i dont know. the first guy was worried about his weight. he thought he already had enough drag and didnt want more. okay, i get that. but i dont have that worry. so i was like “okay, i’ll keep the knobbies.” so the next guy is all like technical with “these have thicker walls but these other ones have—” well i’m not sure what the other ones had…i got very distracted right about the time he said “thicker walls” but he was cool, he helped me see that these were two different tires entirely, the street tire and the trail tire. made differently with different strengths, etc. not just knobbies/not-knobbies.

the third guy was like “wow you’ll feel so much faster, like riding a whole new bike” and that pretty much grabbed me because lately something has been dragging on me as i ride and i use this bike like a car. its my way to get anywhere. and i use it every day. so i feel this drag happening and i’m saying “okay, just pump harder!” and i don’t mind because i think its just work to be done. my thighs burn up and i just get more toned and harder every day. thats a huge plus of this bike thing. no more guilt on myself for sitting around and getting soft. no sirree maam. its a real work out. but it wasn’t just that, it was something rubbing or dragging on the wheel, turned out to be the brake. dude also tightened up my spokes, very cool.

but i’m really not sure about these thinner, smaller road tires! sure they look sporty. and i guess they are “armadillos” the “best tire in the world/cosmos/town/stockroom/store” etc etc. (i was like  ”give me the ones with the red stripe”) i’ll see how they fare on the trip to luna y paloma. maybe they will make it a lost easier. its a hell of a hill and some bad asphalt. if so, its worth it. but they throw off the visual aesthetics something fierce. now my fender looks too big, so i took it off. my seat threatens to overwhelm the balance, but i love that seat and its new and comfortable so it stays. its just a whole nother bike and oh i dont know who you are anymore, GT! i also kind of liked having the traction at the ready. now, i cant zip up that supersteep little hill at the edge of my parking lot, on the mulch. i just knife into it. spin and look sort of idiotic. eh, looking idiotic has never stopped me before and maybe i’ll grow to love them. if not, i’m replacing them with the knobbies.

these people are clearly used to bicycles on the sidewalk. or anywhere!

this cracks me up. yelling doesn’t work, but the bell will not be denied!

i read a blog the other day where the male writer was ridiculing another male figure. and he said all sneery (and i don’t tell you which one was Right or Left or White or Black or anything like that because i don’t even remember that part didn’t stick with me) ‘he is probably the kind of guy who rides a bike. on the sidewalk.‘ and i got a chill or something because that sure sounded bad and i could tell right away i didn’t want to be that guy who rides his bike on the sidewalk (clearly it was too late to not be a guy who RIDES A BIKE) so the next time i rode my bike (and i ride it every day, sometimes twice) i thought i’d try to figure out what was wrong with me, for crying out loud, for doing such a thing.

thing is, i am not the only one, like up the hill on willamette where the cars move at a decent enough clip and yet there is no bike lane on either side of the hill. its in the city, too, people ride on sidewalks as well as streets here. the great thing about a bike is that it is not locked down to a street (or a desk or a car seat) and can, at any moment, lift up over the curb and even move past the cul de sac by driving through the ruts in the mud that lead to the next street in the block. i have a mountain bike and love feeling it is always ready to adapt to the situation. and even as the nation’s “second most bike friendly city” (Portland being #1), there isn’t a uniform bike lane! i started out here thinking i could bike everywhere in bike lanes but what people like that don’t realize is that you can be riding your heart out, going nearly as fast as cars around you (and far more vulnerable, just peep the Ghost Bikes on various corners or roadways) and suddenly the bike lane is gone! or on the ride to see my daughters, along that highway with crumbly asphalt, ugh! there’s no sidewalk there worth riding on, but if i could get off the street, i would.

for those of us out here actually riding bikes—greatly disengaged from the gasonline suckfest for the moment but in more danger for it—know that you always have to be ready, and that the sidewalk belongs to us, too. at least i know this may be the case of the laws in oregon, as yesterday a cop-on-a-bike passed me, and I was riding on the sidewalk. he had no complaint, so i assume the law does not.

though believe me, i don’t prefer it. too many seams and cracks. too close to entrances and alleys. cars zoom to the road and they don’t seem to account for bikes. so bikes shouldn’t do the same to people, of course. i’m not interested in sidelining someone who steps out of a store without checking themselves. i always hop off with time to spare if elderly are walking with canes or dogs on the sidewalk far ahead or in fact just about anyone walking on the sidewalk. but when the street is too thin or there is no bike path, i’d rather not have a steady stream of cars edging past me. it’s a danger to the road, and to myself. and drivers are apt to have blindspots in their driving and sightline that make it not always the safest bet to rely on their sight.

of course the writer was just using it as an incidental metaphor and i’m sure if asked, they’d admit there are situations where a bicyclist damn well better hop on the sidewalk, and that even their own views are more nuanced than one might guess from the joke.

we have one view (puto bicyclists doin me wrong when i’m walking) and if you take it no further, and you stay there, where can you go with that?

and then there is another view when the cyclist nearly runs you down on the sidewalk, walkin: (i know what that feels like, i should be more aware of smaller/weaker vehicles than me from here on in) and you can extrapolate the feeling even when you’re driving your car, or your bulldozer or truck.

and yeah, we always have this choice, dont we? it’s not just bikes and blogs…