took luna to the park and on the way she perks her head up noticing it’s especially crowded
i say there’s a lot of people here today, hunh?
she replies softly with was it pride? almost protectively they’re all my friends
and i am almost overcome with tears right there in the lying sunlight
childheart
September 26th, 2009 § 0
la cancion de la lluvia
August 25th, 2009 § 5
i should probably update you on the situation since last i wrote.
» read the rest of the chapter… «
jagged hopes
August 17th, 2009 § 5
![SP-Aug10-09b [Dreaming in the Key of E]](http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2499/3809892960_60e6cd201c.jpg)
so…i cried almost the whole bike ride home. i’d like to blame it on the song playing, i will follow you into the dark, but i don’t think that was it. maybe it was shame. or maybe there are stored energies in my tooth that came free, although my tooth didn’t. or rather, i didn’t go through with it. pumped to the eyeballs with novacaine, i felt nothing. and the dentist, a young guy with kind eyes was digging around the tooth and “loosening” it, not that i could feel it but the thought…the idea of it, the memory of having my tooth crunched out of my head as a child, the suctioning of blood or whatever was flowing…it doesn’t matter. my body always does it in response to injury (and even to my tattoos and nipple piercings) and it did it again. sweat flow, blood draining, silent screaming buzz filling my brain and i begin to black out. i made them stop and my whole body was twitching oddly, cold and wet from sweat, my respiration all jacked up and i was huffing and sweating and retched once or twice…they backed off. they were kind…gave me choices. and i opted out of the realtime tooth dig and got referred to an oral surgeon who will knock me out and pull it. i had hoped to be rid of this jagged glass feel, these spikes rising up out of my gum, i hoped to be done with that today. as i got dressed and left, the dentist and his assistant looked caring but crestfallen, almost as if they had failed instead of me.
» read the rest of the chapter… «
love device
July 22nd, 2009 § 4
relationships…devices people use to control love, and other people. does anyone love freely anymore? to love? and to celebrate a spirit in our lives? or that we can share time with someone? does anyone give love away because they love loving? and want to help you grow? or does everyone come with a bottom line, a codicil, a demand. people…we don’t even know what love is. to many, it is something in there somewhere, behind all the other attachments that guarantee us nutrients and objects and situational leverage. we forget that in love is freedom. and removed from it, love dies….we use our feelings as a volley, we send them out expecting a return. often when we don’t get it the way we want, we bare our teeth. is this, love, then? are lovers people we would bite to death if our kisses were denied?
» read the rest of the chapter… «
you are now here
July 19th, 2009 § 2
my eldest son turned 21. this is…part of a much bigger story. maybe i’ll put a little here in a day or two.
on that angle—i’m moving some of my energy, some of my writing and drawing, back to the handmade. at least for a while. we all know everything changes. and then changes again.
blogging is good for a handful of things, and of course i’ll still do it. maybe i won’t even slow down on content. but it can’t be all i do anymore in the way of writing. i see a large, bound book with empty pages in my immediate future. creamy pages i can write on and draw in…fill with braindreams and mindmaps.
my writing and voice diaries have always been a way of keeping myself in touch with my own mind and heart. they are how i let myself know what i’m thinking and living. how i mark the time, the days; how i know to interpret them, how i learn from my life, how i keep history. it’s my GPS, how i connect things. it’s my own cavewall, it’s my confessional and memoir. my completely honest diaries are, in reality, how i stay sane.
writing online is always censored and shaped. it feels real, and it is real. and it also more a voice outward, and less of a meditative one meant only for my own heart and mind. it is a performance.
seeya at the next show.
Pink and Pretty, The Potential Project
July 15th, 2009 § 6
i went to the art store yesterday and spent twenty dollars on pens. twenty dollars is no small expenditure and no casual choice when you need five thousand dollars or so for your mouth. but i won’t let poverty crush me, steal pens and color and joy from me. so i went and decided to bring home a good pad of paper and a pocketful of pens.
» read the rest of the chapter… «
santadontist
July 7th, 2009 § 0
so today is the day of the root canal that i hope will end this immediate crisis, which is a toothache that recedes and flares up at will and to such a degree that my life gets hijacked over it. of course, that is not really the issue. the issue is the broken teeth and the decay, and the pain is just the body saying GET THE FUCK WITH IT, KID. i still am amazed that to keep your teeth as whole as possible you need to pay about two thousand dollars for a tooth needing root canal and crown. but they’ll yank it for $100 or so. as if whole teeth are a luxury, as if chewing doesn’t become very hard when your teeth aren’t meeting up and healthy, as if you dont feel like something ugly and shameful when your smile begins to fall apart. but some of us can’t even afford the preventative work very often, or regularly. that’s why the poor people have gaps in their mouths so often. that’s why rich people can have such pretty smiles. i hate their pretty smiles like diamond lights winking down on the toothless and toothachey and toothwanting. i hate it like i hate all the gaps that stand between the hardships of the poor and the well-padded pantries of the well-to-do. i wanna be the santadontist for poor people; i’ll come round at dawn and hand out pictures of myself pulling rich people’s expensive dental work apart in the middle of the night. if we can’t bridge the gap one way, we can do it another…
sentenced: ten years
July 3rd, 2009 § 4
it’s always a bit intriguing to me…sad but not in a way where i pity. it’s a desperate understanding i have for these people. it’s a horrible ache to uncurl the fingers, even if i’ve never touched them, watch them, drop them, on their way to the sun. those people you meet who burn with such a windwhipped flame, blown skyward by indignation or a festering fury or an inseparable sadness that they shoot inexorably on an arc aimed perfectly toward their own destruction. their lives are upended, spiraling, fractured, always darkening and utterly gothic tales of wreck and ruin. the friction and conflict they meet on their jagged way seems to soothe their overheated souls and they only respond to each incident with a deeper lean forward.
» read the rest of the chapter… «
ten good answers
June 30th, 2009 § 2
![SP-June09 [rogue]](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3615/3633637113_14e4da38cb.jpg)
anyway yeah i think after july 6, i may actually be able to at least get my loudest tooth taken care of (can’t afford the crown that will be needed tho) so i can begin sleeping and laying off the ibuprofen. i’m really sticking it to my liver lately trying to drown out the pain from this tooth. between whiskey and ibuprofen, i’m kickin that thing around like a heavy bag. but what are you gonna do? trust me, liver health at this point is pretty abstract. pain that makes your actual hair hurt and gets you from sleep to pacing in five seconds? that’s something you deal with, whatever’s on hand will do!
but july 6 is when a check clears. and its at least big enough to light up the dentist’s eyes i hope. enough to get me in there and have the decay drilled out of this tooth. even just doing THAT would probably give me a lot of relief. altho honestly, i think its so close to the nerve at this point that if they go in, they’re gonna take the whole nerve out and good, is say! begone! your nest has been disturbed, your peace shattered. there is no more protection for you and so i wish you well, nerve. sorry i couldn’t take care of you better.
one day i’ll write the story of what happened to my teeth this time around, what happened with my stomach, how that whole volcanic thing began. it began when i was working at a place…well, i haven’t told many stories about that place. but when i do, trust me. you’ll understand why my stomach started erupting acid. although i almost think telling is the worst way to talk about that experience. painting would be much better. but you’d need sound, too definitely.
yeah, i definitely see an entire series in my future on that job. that “friend.” i shouldnt put it in quotes. i befriended him, so be it. i should not try now to devalue it. but how much can you befriend a boss? and a boss like him? but…i saw the good part of him…so yes. i was his friend. yeah. that doesnt mean i won’t tell the story exactly as i lived it, tho.
anyway, that started it, and shortly after, just trying to “make it’ in the city deepened it. and here i am trying to remember what’s important. peace of mind. an open heart an open mind. but you can’t just let anything in. you can’t just let anything into your heart and your mind. or you can, but there will be consequence. your body may not like it. the body is the agent with two feet on this plane, the body talks to the world about what the mind and heart are doing. especially if the mind won’t listen to the heart. then the body talks louder.
i was trying to write about how everything is connected in my first essay to the think tank institute that just made me a Fellow. i figured i’d use the place to get abstract, to try and flesh out important larger patterns i see; to try and offer paths toward new, effective, expansive progressive thought. the first edit back suggests they want less of a “meditation” and more of a coherent and strident argument for ‘progressive values.’ maybe they called it a “meditation” cuz its mostly questions. i thought they were good ones. i think a good question is worth ten good answers. i’ll see what i can get going on the next edit, which i have to give them today.
my favorite part of ben by michael jackson is how he sings notes from the relative minor but over the (major) tonic. that creation of a tension, and an incidental third addition, tells the part of the song that words never will.
Invention: Sugar Alarm
June 30th, 2009 § 0
i’m a tooth scientist now. and in my experimentation this morning i realize i have a achieved a great victory in my field, being the first to devise (or at least the first to advertise) a sugar alarm that is wired directly from the mouth to a drill planted deep in the jawbone, with (optional) filaments that extend into the neck, as well!
go ahead and ring it for only ten or fifteen seconds and in no time at all you will feel as if your left eye is trying to sag out of your face, and your jaw weighs four hundred pounds. (pain itself is extremely heavy, that is why it turns your hair white and makes your mind empty.) now, that’s an alarm you won’t sleep through!
one swig of something like the popular drink known as “coffee” and in three seconds your alarm will be first moaning, and then outright screaming! the reaction is almost instanteous, it’s a very impressive device with extremely organic and complex circuitry.
TO RESET
to reset alarm, simply brush open area of tooth (you will need to break a tooth in half to construct the alarm) with cold water for a moment. however, unless you brush out the entire mouth (tongue too!) your saliva will contain minute sugar traces and they will set the alarm off again. this is a scenario in which you can experience the “fade in” behavior of the alarm. simply brush out entire mouth out to prevent this “Fading in” of the “alarm” sensation.
SENSITIVITY:
should you desire to do anything ridiculous or “extreme” like drink an entire cup of coffee rather than the far more reasonable sip, it is advised you stand in the bathroom, brush in hand. you will need to brush after every swallow. yes, the alarm is sensitive. the degree of sensitivity cannot be adjusted after the construction of your device, so remember to break the initial tooth carefully! for example, should the break run below the gum line, then the saliva will actually pool and rest inside the open area of the device, which will render your alarm with more or less of a hair trigger setting.
note: if the user attempts to drink more than a few swallows of “coffee” or any other sugary drink, the alarm will soon be ringing so intensely that the user will begin to lose the ability to think coherently at which point it may scare them to look up and see a disheveled, mopheaded person in the mirror with a cup of coffee and a toothbrush looking slightly annoyed, or grimacing, depending on what stage of this experiment is unfolding.
USES:
this device has many uses, mainly so that one may know at any point in the day when any particular foodstuff has sugar in it. the ability to detect is unerring, incapable of failing and immediate.
warning: it is not advised to eat candy or or any food designed to actually showcase the glucose molecule, as the food will actually lodge into the Detection Base (or “tooth”) and cause the circuits to overload which may crash your calendar application, and shortly after lead to deep draughts of whiskey.
UPGRADES:
Future iterations and upgrades of the Sugar Alarm include:
-Alarm that detects and is activated by room temperature air
-Alarm that detects and is activated by own saliva